GAAAAMMMEEEEE SEEEEEVVEEEEENNNN!!!!!!!

Zaza really says it all here. After what many are regarding as the best NBA finals game since some of the Bulls-Jazz showdowns in 1997 and 1998, I can’t wait for tonight’s sequel. I have been asked to write a brief prediction of what will happen in tonight’s game, but honestly I have not the slightest idea as to who is going to be crowned champions tonight.

So here’s what I’m going to do: I’m gonna take a huge cop-out and paint two different scenarios, one of which I’m fairly certain will happen.

Scenario 1: Total Evisceration

In the “Total Evisceration” scenario, LeBron has a first quarter that looks something like 14 points on 5-7 shooting, with four rebounds, two assists, two steals and a block on Parker that will make the FCC question whether or not basketball on television is suitable for children. The Heat will jump out to a big lead, rolling on the momentum left over from the crazy come from behind victory of Game 6, and will cause Mike Breen to mention the Spurs’ fatigue 47 times. The game will never be close. I will consume too much beer and yell about how much of a fucking choke job Game 6 was. LeBron will not play the last 4 minutes of the game, allowing him to do more of that stupid jump-dance shit that he did last June. I’m not gonna lie to you, my beautiful readers: I am openly rooting for this situation to not happen. And not just because I’d prefer a close game to a blowout, but because I vigorously co-sign this.

Likelihood of this happening? 55%

Scenario 2: Story for your Grandkids

In the “Story for your Grandkids” scenario, assuming humankind exists far enough into the future for you to have children, and then those children to have children, there is never more than a six point lead for either side the whole night. All the stars will play poorly, feeling the immense pressure of the moment. Danny Green and Mike Miller will have a stretch in the third quarter where they both hit back to back threes. LeBron will do that thing where he forgets how fat Boris Diaw is and will settle for weird mid-range jumpers. Wade and Ginobili will both look ready for retirement. But somehow, some way, the Spurs will pull it out. Kawhi Leonard will have seven tip-ins, Tiago Splitter won’t get blown by on every defensive possession, and Gary Neal will take a runner in the lane and you will scream “NO NO WHY ARE Y…OH WOW WHAT A SHOT!!!”

Likelihood of this happening? 45%

So there ya have it. It’s gonna be great.