It was just a little over one year ago that music, culture, politics, society, etc. was changed when a young gentleman from the south side of Chicago recorded an innocuous yet powerful song. “That’s that shit I don’t like,” crooned Chief Keef after listing an entity that he does not like in the song “I Don’t Like.” Born from Mr. Keef’s masterpiece was a startling tidal wave of dislike that impacted Americans everywhere. Take me for example: I don’t like grapefruit, I don’t like Whole Foods, and I sure as hell don’t like Kay Jewelers and the way they tell me how to live my life.
But more than anything else, I dislike the Miami Heat. I dislike their players, I dislike their coaches, I dislike how Birdman gets to sit courtside while his non-Lil Wayne son texts through the whole damn game. Everything. One could even say that I hate them.
If you’re one of the roughly 12 people reading this, I assume you’ve had similar feelings. Watching the Heat truck through the playoffs and toward a championship last season was painful, and now that they’ve reached that doorstep yet again, I’ve spent the past few days trying to figure out what exactly I hate about the Heat. Miami is a great team, and as an objective basketball fan I should enjoy watching them play basketball. Yet each passing game, complete with Lebron’s heroics and Bosh making stupid faces and Juwon Howard pretending like he still plays, fills me with a growing Keef-ian rage matched only by my confusion: what is the worst thing about the Heat?
So, I tried to sort out my hatred of all things Miami Heat the way any rational man would: with a bracket. Without further ado—because I’m not much of a fan of ado either—I present (Part I of) your 2013 Heat Hate Bracket, conveniently divided into pre and post “Decision” regions because fuck The Decision more than anything.
Wade County Region
Dwyane Wade (1) vs. Juwan Howard (8)
Juwan Howard is a dangerous 8 seed. He’s 87 years old, high fives everyone on the bench and probably idiotically thinks he’s some sort of mentor to Miami’s big guns. Sorta like a player coach without either playing or coaching. But Howard’s Heat Hateability doesn’t hold a candle to the Wade County Region’s top seed, a flopping prima donna who gets to date Gabrielle Union. Come on. Oh, and at least when Howard wears a suit he doesn’t wear fucking capri pants. Douche Wade advances.
Udonis Haslem (4) vs. Mario Chalmers (5)
A brutal 4/5 matchup between Haslem, a longtime Heat fan favorite and thus one of my not favorites, and Chalmers, one of Miami’s many three point shooters who are just open all the time and make me want to throw furniture across the room. Chalmers’ hate pedigree is strong, as he won that NCAA championship over that Memphis team literally everyone was rooting for and is also from Alaska which is just obnoxious. But Haslem gets the edge here because of his affinity for standing in one spot on offense and making that same stupid baseline jumper over and over again. I hate that so much. Also your facial hair sucks bro, clean that up.
Erik Spoelstra (3) vs. Pat Riley (6)
Once upon a time, Pat Riley was the face of NBA evil, and he’s likely the orchestrator of the infamous summer of 2010 events that united Lebron and his stupid sidekicks. But…damnit, have you looked at Spoelstra? Just look at him. God damn. We know you don’t call any plays dude! And he’s got a hot wife anyway? Fuck that guy.
The Fans (2) vs. The Dos Minutos Dude (7)
For those who watch Heat games on mute to avoid listening to Marv Albert verbally orgasm every time Lebron blinks, the Miami PA announcer yells “Two minutes!” to note the dwindling clock in each quarter. The fans, hopped up on molly and botox, glibly respond “Dos minutos!” because Miami is near Cuba and speaking Spanish is cool I guess. This is horseshit. Yet, as much as I hate Dos Minutos Dude, the Fans get the nod here because essentially the Dos Minutos Dude is only a tiny part of why Heat fans suck.
Lebron’s Mom Region
Lebron James (1) vs. Norris Cole (8)
Lebron is probably the worst human being on the planet ever since Billy Mays died. I actually kinda like Norris Cole. He seems like a cool dude and his flattop is sweet. Lebron in a walk, which Joey Crawford definitely won’t call.
Shane Battier (4) vs. Ray Allen (5)
Perhaps the most difficult first round matchup to call. Ray Allen lowkey pulled a Lebron in the summer of 2012, abandoning the Celtics to play on a loaded Heat team for less money. I also kinda hate his mom now that he’s on the Heat, even though she previously seemed like a nice lady. Battier, on the other hand, is the quintessential dirty role player for the Heat, constantly being lauded by announcers for taking charges and making threes with a shooting stroke that makes Jason MacElwain’s look pretty. This one’s tough. Battier advances by virtue of having gone to Duke. What an asshole.
Birdman, white (3) vs. Birdman, black (6)
Baby is a fixture at Heat games, sitting courtside throughout much of the playoffs and presumably having enthralling discussions with the little white lady to his left. While he raps like a toddler, I suppose when you’ve got Money to Blow you can park yourself courtside as long as you want. Conversely, not even the world’s biggest skinhead would tat himself like Chris Andersen has. Easy win for White Birdman here.
Chris Bosh (2) vs. Mike Miller (7)
Bosh is the third member of the alleged Big Three, and very little is more infuriating than seeing him celebrate the good play he makes once every 12 games by opening his mouth to the heavens and yelling nonsensically over the quiet din of the wine and cheese party at American Airlines Arena. But the Boshtrich is not one to carry a team past the first round of anything by himself, and this bracket will be no exception. The reason? For all of Bosh’s antics, it was Mike Miller who drained 19 threes in the clinching game of last year’s Finals—the last basketball game I could bear to watch before collecting all of my belongings and moving to Canada—and grabbed his back in agony after each one. So Hillbilly Miller pulls the upset here, and to be honest I sort of feel bad for Bosh. After all, Lil Wayne did fuck his wife.
PART II COMING FRIDAY