Tag Archives: Heat fans

Midseason Love/Hate, Part 2

Houston Rockets

Love: Dwight Howard anointing the Rockets as “Swag Champs”

The Rockets aren’t the first team I think of when I hear the phrase “Swag Champs”. Also I don’t really remember the Rockets winning the “swag playoff bracket” and claiming the title. Although I guess it was pretty swag of Dwight to name his team as champs without actually competing against anyone else.

Hate: James Harden’s beard

I know this is contrary to popular opinion, but if I was James I’d think about shaving it. The constant grooming and filtering through the beard for loose food particles just seems like a huge hassle. Also you know you’d get a great Gillette endorsement out of it. But he might end up being the league MVP so he can do what he wants.

Indiana Pacers

Love: Larry Bird’s stealthy tank job

The Pacers are pretty bad this year and although they probably won’t get a top five pick, they will be relatively high in the lottery. If you combine that draft pick with the return of Paul George, the Pacers become a formidable opponent in the East again next season. Larry Bird trading off some minor assets for more draft picks and clearing cap space could really make this off-season interesting for the Pacers.

Hate: watching the Pacers is the equivalent to watching paint dry

The Pacers without Paul George are by far the most boring team to watch in the NBA. They have zero appeal to anyone who enjoys watching basketball. No thanks Rodney Stuckey, I’ve seen all I need to see. Does anyone really like to watch David West go 6/15 from midrange? Or watch Roy Hibbert foul out in 22 minutes? After a more thorough evaluation of the Geneva Convention, I also found out that forcing POW’s to watch Pacers basketball is an approved form of torture.

Los Angeles Clippers

Love: Steve Ballmer’s enthusiasm

I mentioned his dancing to Fergie earlier, and that was truly epic. But it’s nice to see an owner who is visible and simply loves just being an owner of a sports team. He paid $2 billion for the Clippers and it’s because he straight up really wanted to own a team. I don’t empathize with many billionaire’s but I kind of enjoy the fact that he doesn’t take owning a team for granted… (yet).

Hate: Blake Griffin TV commercials

One or two is fine Blake, but it’s getting kind of ridiculous. I think I’d be more okay with Blake being in so many commercials if the Clippers literally did anything in the playoffs since he’s been there. He needs to have a stipulation in his next contract that says he can only do one commercial spot for every playoff series the team wins. Also I would like to come out and say with conviction that I believe another early exit in the playoffs for the Clippers is likely. Their team chemistry is mediocre, they don’t have the talent on the wings to win four straight series, and their lack of depth off the bench is a problem that will become more evident as the season goes on. They have star power, but I can’t see them getting to the finals unless Blake, CP3, and Deandre Jordan play out of their minds through April and May and just overpower opponents to mask the inefficiencies of the rest of the team.

Los Angeles Lakers

Love: Nick Young recruiting free agents during games

I would really like to live in that fantasy land that Nick Young lives in. How can he possibly think any respectable NBA stars would be willing to play with Kobe (he’s definitely not retiring), himself, and guys like Ronnie Price, Wes Johnson, and Ed Davis. What’s the upside for potential free agents coming to LA? Take less than 10 shots a game and miss the playoffs by a very wide margin. Sorry Nick, but I admire the effort by Swaggy P trying to help out Mitch Kupchak this offseason.

Hate: Julius Randle’s injury

I was really looking forward to getting to watch “Baby Z-Bo” play for the Lakers. Getting hurt in the first game in your pro career must have been extremely devastating to Julius, and Lakers fans being subjected to more Ryan Kelly and Robert Sacre than required is a harsh punishment. But unfortunately Julius will just be part of this injury cursed draft class with Jabari Parker and Joel Embiid.

Memphis Grizzlies

Love: Ground & Pound

Marc Gasol and Zach Randolph dominating the paint on a nightly basis is a pleasure to watch. The Grizzlies really control the tempo of every game with these two behemoths and force opponents to play in the halfcourt which heavily favors their style of basketball. Grizzlies are my pick to come out of the West, so get your tickets for the bandwagon while they last. The addition of Jeff Green was such a major coup for Memphis. Jeff Green as your number one or two option is not a good thing, but Jeff Green as your number four option is such a great asset. He has the offensive talent, and he will have a few games in the playoffs where he will score over 20 points a game and those games can swing a series in the Grizzlies favor.

Hate: I’m not sure how to pronounce “Joerger”

While you were sleeping the Grizzlies didn’t retain Coach Lionel Hollins and hired Dave Joerger. I always want to say [JORG-er] or [YORG-er]. But it’s actually pronounced [YAY-ger]. Case closed!

Miami Heat

Love: that I was proven wrong as a Dwyane Wade doubter

I truly thought Wade had nothing left in the tank after last season, but he has proven many doubters like myself wrong, and has played at an All-Star caliber level. Although he still struggles with injuries, when he has been active he’s been outstanding. I don’t think it’s out of the question Miami could steal a playoffs series, or at least push a quality team to a seven games if Wade is healthy come April. Wade and Bosh have been great, but it’s still a little puzzling how much worse Miami has been without LeBron. Replacing LeBron with Luol Deng, a respectable NBA talent, seemed like a decent move; and a move that would insure them to be over .500 and around a 5 or 6 seed. The difference in wins from this year and last shows the true value of LeBron on the Heat and how he was kind of carrying Wade and Bosh these last few seasons.

Hate: Miami Heat fans

You Heat fans are all frauds and shouldn’t be allowed to have an NBA franchise. There are 28 other teams that don’t have LeBron. Their fans still show up to the games. Shame on you Miami!

Milwaukee Bucks

Love: replacing Larry Sanders with Jason Kidd’s ex-teammate Kenyon Martin

They both played together on the New Jersey Nets 2002 NBA Finals team; that was almost thirteen years ago! I can’t imagine the Bucks even reaching out to Kenyon Martin if Jason Kidd wasn’t the coach. They both played together so long ago that the Nets have moved to Brooklyn since their departure. The Bucks have probably been in some talks with the Mavericks and Grizzlies to bring back Richard Jefferson and Vince Carter too. I feel very nostalgic about the fact that these old teammates have reunited.

Hate: Larry Sanders marijuana addiction

Dude, you’re getting paid millions of dollars to play basketball. You really can’t lay off the ganja? The problem for Larry is that he’s kind of in a Catch-22. He needs money to buy the weed, but the only way he can get money is to play basketball. It’s somewhat hilarious that he’s prioritizing marijuana over extremely large sums of money. If Larry can put down the bong for a few months the Bucks could really use his defensive presence in the playoffs. Teams in the East would feel much better about their chances seeing Zaza Pachulia rather than Larry Sanders.

Minnesota Timberwolves

Love: Andrew Wiggins making the Cavs regret trading him

Andrew Wiggins has really been stellar over the last month and maybe the Cavaliers won’t regret trading him this year, but it seems like Wiggins is going to be a stud for many years to come. There is an increasing likelihood that Kevin Love is going to leave Cleveland this year in free agency and that should really bum out Cavs fans even more. So now they basically traded a future perennial All-Star for a one year rental of Kevin Love, and in a year that they probably won’t win the title. GM LeBron strikes again!

Hate: Flip Saunders hiring Flip Saunders

The definition of “insanity” is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Insanity is also the definition of the Timberwolves ownership group giving complete control to Flip Saunders.

New Orleans Pelicans

Love: Anthony Davis’ Player Efficiency Rating

Analytically AD is putting together the best year EVER by an NBA player and is on pace to shatter the previous record for a single season PER. That’s really cool. To put this into perspective, Davis’ PER is 31.82. In the history of the NBA, only ten times has a player recorded a PER greater than 31.00. Of those ten seasons, LeBron James did it 3x, Wilt Chamberlain did it 3x, and Michael Jordan did it 4x. Wilt has the highest PER ever, also at 31.82. Anthony Davis is in some pretty historic territory and exclusive company. The most dumbfounded thing about this is that Pelicans are almost certainly going to miss the playoffs…my head hurts.

Hate: we’ll never get to see Anthony Davis in the playoffs

Monty Williams is a terrible coach, and it doesn’t help that they’re in the toughest division in the NBA. Also the Pelicans roster construction in my opinion is just weird with the trio of Jrue Holiday, Eric Gordon, and Tyreke Evans; and they have almost no cap flexibility to make tweaks to the roster in the offseason. It will really be a shame if we continue to go without “The Brow” during postseason play for much longer. Now watch this ambiguously racist Pelicans commercial!

New York Knicks

Love: the audacity to ask for a 2nd round pick for Pablo Prigioni

There was a report a few weeks ago that the Knicks were shopping Prigioni and asking for a 2nd round pick in return. What?! Who in the hell would ever give up any type of asset for an almost 40 year old third string PG? Phil Jackson should’ve asked for something more reasonable like a washing machine and maybe a deal would’ve gotten done. Optimistically trying to move your worst player for assets is proof the Knicks are committed to tanking. Phil is doing a fabulous job of setting his team up to fail, but it would’ve been interesting to see what the team could’ve done if Steve Kerr didn’t parlay his offer with the Knicks into a coaching job with Golden State. Credit Kerr for his incredible foresight and savvy to not be Phil Jackson’s pawn and instead move to Cali with Steph & Klay and become one of the frontrunners for coach of the year.

Hate: everything else

Seriously, everything else. There’s literally almost nothing to love about this team.

Heat Hate Bracket, Part 2

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Round 2

Wade County Region

Dwyane Wade (1) vs. Udonis Haslem (4)

Haslem is no easy matchup for Wade, with the whole having been in the league for over a decade despite lacking any discernable talent thing. UD is a straight thug, forming one half of the Heat’s obnoxious goon tandem with white Birdman. (If Haslem and Birdman starred in a buddy cop movie, would you watch it? I would. But I digress.) Still, Wade has to advance here. Long before Lebron’s arrival in South Beach, Flash (nice nickname you dildo) was known for getting every call (see: 2006 NBA Finals) and whining when he didn’t. Most telling about Wade’s hateability? In the 2011 Eastern Semis, a Wade cheap shot injured world-renowned little bitch Rajon Rondo—and everyone sided with Rondo. Boom.

The Fans (2) vs. Erik Spoelstra (3)

A very tight second round matchup, complicated by Spoelstra doing that thing where he thinks he has any impact on his team’s performance. Dude could be the water boy and I would bet Lebron would still be doing his thing. There is something remarkable about the empty suit on the Heat sidelines though: his smoking hot wife, a former Heat dancer 18 years his junior. Walking into work in 2006 and scoping out a then 18 year old team dancer? That’s…hold on, I don’t think I have the word yet…I respect that, as much as it pains me to say. Sigh. This sliver of apparent respect I have for Spoelstra probably means I need a stronger drink, but it also means the Heat fans—not respectable in the slightest—advance to the semis.

Lebron’s Mom Region

Lebron James (1) vs. Shane Battier (4)

You can tell that Battier really wants this one. He wants to be the bad guy. All those thoughtful and insightful interviews, his reputation as the cerebral player and team mentor, the fact that he almost definitely reads books. Fuck you dude, I haven’t read a book in three years! But Lebron’s public image is second to none in hateability; for every douchey Battier quote, we get five Lebron gems of insipid paranoia like this quote that I couldn’t make up if I tried: “You could be watching cartoons with your kids and you don’t like it, you say, ‘Blame it on LeBron.’ If you go to the grocery store and they don’t have the milk that you like, you just say, ‘It’s LeBron’s fault.’” Riddle me this Queen James: you’re the best basketball player in the world (sigh), so under what circumstances would you EVER say things like this unless you want me to hate your guts? Jordan would NEVER say stupid shit like this, and that’s the only argument I need Sean. Lebron moves on.

Birdman (3) vs. Mike Miller (7)

I give Miller plenty of credit for pulling the first round upset on the Boshtrich. His uncanny ability to drain a high volume of his three’s despite playing through rigor mortis is hateful, and I would not be excessively sad if lightning struck his mobile home. Let’s be honest with ourselves though, Birdman is a powerhouse of hatefulness. Beyond his physical appearance—my disdain for his tattoos and Mohawk could fill this space until Tuesday—dude is the quintessential dirty Heat bench player. Nothing was worse than watching him lose the ability to miss shots in the Pacers series, and I couldn’t have been the only one just praying that asshole would miss a layup. Evil White Birdman is onto the semis.

Round 3

Wade County Region

Dwyane Wade (1) vs. The Fans (2)

Friends, follow me into a deep, dark place in my past to a time when I—gasp—didn’t hate Dwyane Wade. Before Lebron rolled into town, Wade was a very good player carrying the Heat. Yeah, he got all the calls and yeah, he could at times be a whiny bitch, but without Lebron, Wade’s identity was primarily that he was simply a good player. The Fans, on the other hand, are monsters. They show up late to playoff basketball games when I don’t even have the nerve to show up late for my summer internship. They text through crunch time from the second row seats. They wear all white like the complete assholes they are. Heat fans are a mercilessly hateable group of people who make any real basketball fans cringe, and for that, it’s The Fans who advance to the finals.

Lebron’s Mom Region

Lebron James (1) vs. Birdman (3)

A grudge match of pure hatred that can only be broken down with statistics. (Yeah, I know statistics, fight me.) Like his shooting percentage and like he was during much of his time in Denver, Birdman’s hate percentage is stupid high. That is, given that I see Birdman in the game, hear about him being discussed on SportsCenter, or run into him during one of my weekly meth runs, I will invariably hate him. But one of the ways that God makes a case for existing is by ensuring that we don’t see too much of the Birdman—he doesn’t play that much, is discussed only in passing by the media, and I don’t do meth. Lebron actually has a lower hate percentage than Birdman, but his existence beats us to death. The last time Lebron went a full 24 hours without being mentioned on ESPN was 2005, and when it comes to hatred, I’m a volume guy. Also, The Decision.

Finals

Lebron James vs. The Fans

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This is it folks. The heavyhate title bout. Basketball’s biggest villain vs. a mass of douchebags who collectively would rather go to Ultra than a playoff game. Asking me to hate one of these entities more than the other is a tall order, but because this is my bracket and I can do whatever I want I’ll make it easy—if a bit painful. See, I hate Lebron James with every fiber of my body and I’m not really sure why. I’m not from Cleveland, Lebron hasn’t really done anything to me, and in a league full of thugs, Lebron doesn’t actually seem like a bad human being. More importantly, if I didn’t hate Lebron, I would objectively view him as a great basketball player, the best since MJ, and a joy to watch because of how damn good he is. And as much as I’d rather drag my unprotected testicles through a mile-long patch of steaming coals that write this, Lebron James is an awesome basketball player and basketball is better because of him.

Heat fans suck. Maybe I’m jealous, and rightfully so. Lebron’s Heat team is the best NBA team in at least a decade, and Heat fans will never truly appreciate what they’re watching. Lebron is a super douche, but facing an army of douches clad in all white just waiting for the game to end so they can hit LIV is too steep a challenge even for LBJ. (Yeah, LIV is a nightclub in Miami. Do you know what kind of an asshole you have to be to go to Miami nightclubs?)

So there you have it guys. Everything that’s wrong with the Miami Heat can be traced back to their abysmal fans. In a perfect world, their white clothing would be shit-stained and Flo Rida would be deported, but for now, we normal Americans have nothing to do but root for the Spurs.

Sigh.

PART 1